unsound dreams

"Shut up, and make love to me."

These unsound dreams haunt me. The tiramisú is the dessert, the plate is your fresh body, cream on the side of your lips, your shoulder, the tip of those ivory towers that are your breasts. I possess you while you shiver. And, when it's done, instead of the nothing, we feel the everything.

I can't silence them. And, still, they have to become nothing but dreams.


A liar

and a thief.

it's all I am.



To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. 


Stop. Rewind.

Play back.

Buried in voluptuary





dois corpos despidos abracados no nada

Pedes-me um momento
Agarras as palavras
Escondes-te no tempo 
Porque o tempo tem asas 
Levas a cidade 
Solta me o cabelo 
Perdes-te comigo 
Porque o mundo é o momento


living the moment

or living in the moment?

or making life about the moment?

or turning a moment into a lifetime?

or bringing life to a moment?

or, in a moment, live life?


or, because of a moment, lose life?

Resist

I can't resist you. You can't resist me.

And, just like that, we're both applying the power of our minds to our touching hands, and allowing this infinite current to galvanize our bodies.

and once it starts, I can't stop. I would need to switch off my mind, but the switch is broken once the thoughts start flowing.

and you wouldn't believe the magnitude and intensity of those thoughts when translated to reality, were there no walls between us.

Succumbing

again, and again, and again, and again.

time and time again. not caring about the past, nor the future. and, from time to time, not even the present.

and still, missing out on everything. have glimpses of wonder, and let it remain in the ether.

it's not win-win. it's lose-lose. and I'm, therefore, lost.





Winter time

Will be gone. Light will be suddenly iluminating a bigger part of the day. Everyone cheers this change, although the Universe doesn’t change. Only the convention of how we represent an hour.

And still, convention is the road that people follow. A road with no rules is typically a slow one, no matter how interesting going the one less travelled seems.

Some of those with no markings, no direction, no straights, lead to the top of the mountains. At the end of that road, more often than not, there’s a religious shrine. For some reason, it is on high altitudes most temples are. And that winter is to be found.

While we find winter and suffer from reaching higher, it’s true that it is from the top we experience more sunlight, vaster horizons, lack of oxygen.

And then, we slide down. Maybe we fall. Maybe we glide. But certainly we remember that religious experience of reaching the heights.


Meet me in Montauk




A hug

Long nights




Meaning


It will come

And I will be devastated.  It ain´t easy, never was, never is, never will be. And it will be unannounced, except by seeing your resistance to my sudden realisation of the loss.

It´s hard. It´s complex. And, still, irrational. Or rational, perhaps. Everything and its contrary. 


I don´t know. Knowing there´s no limits, all the ocean´s in the world have opened up. You tell me they are there for the taking. And still, I feel like a Pirate crossing boundaries that belong to someone else, someone that will glide above rather than cut through the waters.
Someone that will appreciate the sunsets, rather than turning the back to stare at the moon.
Someone that will dive into your warmth with no second thoughts rather remaining by the beach in awe of the immensity you bring to the world.
Someone who faces the storm, rather than recoiling in fear.
Someone that will find the riches in you, and care for them, rather than stealing for beguiling purposes. 

But then again, the everything and its contrary. I know I´m not a Pirate, I just seem to behave like one. I´m just a lost sailor, navigating aimlessly at the mercy of winds and tides. Making the most of the illusion of having you for the briefest of the moments. Rowing with conviction before my energy wanes.  

And it´s hard to keep you at bay, knowing that even for the slightest of gestures there´s a crowd always around peering at us, trying to understand what this is all about, when not even we know. It´s hard to keep you at bay, knowing I want to be with you. It´s hard, because I would be a Pirate, fascinated by the mirror looking back at us, feeling all powerful.


I will be devastated. Because I´m not a Pirate. I do care. At times, so much, it hurts. 

I don´t know.

Às vezes fraco, assim é o coração.



Um trolha da Areosa

Everything in life is time bound. What was, what is, what will be.

Moments, Walks, Projects, Realisations, Travels, the Lifetime.

Only dreams last beyond our existence.


Can’t stop

Sometimes, I just wouldn’t stop, and all my energy and devotion would break over conventions, walls, lives.

Sometimes, I can’t stop, the flurry of thoughts, dreams, wishes just takes over.

Sometimes, I don’t want to stop, when it’s too late and your scent is too close.

Sometimes, I don’t stop, and the world is turned upside down in joy and awe.

Sometimes, I stop.
And then, you tell me not to.
And I go for it.


unbuttoning

my soul. gently, steadily.

your hands glide smartly and decisively from top to bottom. my imagination runs wild. you take a step back. with one hand only, you unbutton three buttons. i see the contours of your chest moving with your slow breathing.


and we stop. my soul is naked, yours is held open. and we go back to the beginning. shy, shaking, we move closer. too close.

I succumb to your charms, and likewise,  you start buttoning back, leaving my soul to last.



Wild dreams

confusing, surreal, worthy.


How near or how far

We'll sail on the steel breeze. 

It's easy. Exchange feelings. I can cope. The problem is that we only see the joy of discovery.

When we'll need more, and have less, frustration will overcome. And exchanges will not be as light, surprising and rightful. We strip down complexity into simple words that should be said, and try to forget that down the road they will no longer seem innocent. Even if they are.

In retrospective, all children are innocent people that grow into uncertain teenagers and ruthless adults.

Calm

after the storm. it's not a win-win. it's not a game. it's life. no winners, no losers, just life. living it in multiple fronts, just hope not to lose my way. there's many destinations and many paths. and in some of them, limits. unsurmountable walls, some we've built, some just cliffs that are simply there. there're already so many the nature and the cities have put in front of us, there's no point in creating artificial ones. having no limits and no walls just focus the energies for what matters, even if it's just sitting down contemplating the horizon: all that could be, but is far of reach, all that condenses the sum of some dreams, but where they go to set. what matters is seating watching it. then, one of us will stand up and walk. in the night, there is no horizon anyhow.


So delicate

stone white



Still wrong

and still, so unbearably good.




It’s alright

my heart, body and soul are saying it is.

but my mind knows it’s wrong.

And still, it’s feeding memories, enticing desires, displaying flashes, pumping endorphines.
Letting itself be controlled by and blindly obeying its masters: heart, body and soul.

Is it alright? What about tomorrow, and the next day? What about yesterday? Does it not matter, or was and is all that matter?

It should be alright, and still, it isn’t.






come as you are

Who knows? 
Not me 
I never lost control




memo to self.

Idiot. Idiot. Why opening up your heart like that? Couldn’t you see it is useless? Now besides your heart and soul, you need to deal with hers, her reasoning, her beauty, her knowledge of everything, her higher ground.

But words
They cannot love
Don't waste them like that
Cus they'll bruise you more


Idiot, idiot, idiot. What was the point? Just showing the extent of your incompetence and useleness? Making the void of your actions visible and blatant, and inexplicable?


Idiot!
You do nothing else than cause pain and bruise and hurt around you, and to the ones you love. Shame on you! IDIOT! You should know better, you have the responsibility to know better! I-D-I-O-T!


What’s the use of words with minimal actions, constrained actions, refrained actions, subdued actions? Facts are what matters. Idioten! At least before, you were a bastard. Now, you’re just an inconsistent bag of air. Cretino!


finding a meaning

Resta qui con noi il sole scende già,
resta qui con noi Signore, è sera ormai.
Resta qui con noi il sole scende già,
se tu sei fra noi la notte non verrà.


forgotten.

And though you hold the keys to ruin
 Of everything I see
 With every prison blown to dust, 
My enemies walk free




Conundrum

Why worry, there should be laughter after pain
there should be sunshine after rain

shy away

I can't. I must. I don't know.

The whispering resounds in my head. Having you so close is unbearable, and yet all I desired.
The walls are still there, they just became transparent and penetrable. I can feel your breath, look inside, wish for more.

And each time, remember, and crush. It's again on me, to crush desire, passion, madness, halt this flow of blood rushing into the wildest thoughts, and softest of dreams.

It's too close to bear. Too far to reach. Too humbling to think straight. Too much to keep inside. And then, just like that: you relief the burden, hold my hand, look me in the eyes and whisper.

I can't shy away, yet I must. I know, you know, and still, here we are, yet again.


Out of my head

I listen to music to remember, to escape, to heal, to dream, to appease, to imagine, to fly, to remediate, to concentrate.

To think of you and forget you. To live through this schizophrenia in me.

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If.
If only.
(It does. Already. Almost everything. What matters does.)


Counting the hours

É dificil viver com isto no meio de nós Porque quer queira ou não queira Às vezes falta-me a voz


Angústia

Sonho que sou um cavaleiro andante. 
Por desertos, por sóis, por noite escura, 
Paladino do amor, busco anelante 
O palácio encantado da Ventura! 

Mas já desmaio, exausto e vacilante, 
Quebrada a espada já, rota a armadura... 
E eis que súbito o avisto, fulgurante 
Na sua pompa e aérea formosura! 

Com grandes golpes bato à porta e brado: 
Eu sou o Vagabundo, o Deserdado... 
Abri-vos, portas de ouro, ante meus ais! 

Abrem-se as portas d'ouro com fragor... 
Mas dentro encontro só, cheio de dor, 
Silêncio e escuridão - e nada mais! 

Obsession

too strong to fight




Aching all the time

Que dias há que na alma me tem posto
Um não sei quê, que nasce não sei onde,
Vem não sei como, e dói não sei porquê.



Subtle, not so subtle. Discovering all variations, details, the full spectrum of colours, visible and invisible, in you, in me, it's a herculean task that is as heavy as a feather.

Listen. Listen again. You can't understand how tension changes through the chords. How I am lost. Irreversibly lost. A wreck. My ship has sunk, and drifts hopelessly wherever the tide pushes it.

It's not fair. But you can still save yourself.



beauty and meaning amid the spiritual wreckage

This intimate tango of sadness and radiance is ultimately what gives his music its timeless edge in penetrating the soul.

dreaming awake

A minha mente sedenta sonha
deitar a cabeça no teu regaço.


Resisting.


No surprises

Pudesse eu não ter laços 
nem limites
Ó vida de mil faces 
transbordantes
Para poder responder 
aos teus convites
Suspensos na surpresa 
dos instantes!

Bustling imagination

Unsound.

Stopping the flood from bursting into your life just takes too much. Knowing you are thirsty, needing more than promises of water in the form of rain. Tears are not enough, nothing more than small drops.

I would be a river, flowing into the sea. I would be a storm, rushing into your pain. I would embrace you gently and whisper the words you so eagerly want to hear.

And then, the gates open. It's the small details. The tiniest breach on the damn would break it. The force of my imagination is too great. And still, it's necessary.

There's not enough water in the world, water can't reach everywhere.


I´m just a jealous guy

So close, yet so far away.

It will hurt. Of course it will. I am already hurting.

I see details you don´t perceive. I dream scenarios you haven´t imagined. I draw paintings you wouldn´t believe.


Coldness cooled their desire




Heroine

Death leaves a pain that nobody can heal
Love leaves a memory that nobody can steal


a bit like you and me




You made me forget myself

i thought i was someone else
someone good


all the pain inside

amplified by the fact

many facts. and sleepless nights.

Why?

What for?

Men In Black, Heart in Space. Restless.


How many times have I faltered?

1mr
2 mr
3 tyh
4 gd
5 gd
6 yh
7 dancing in the rain
8 dancing in the rain
9 ky
10 yh
11ky
12 mr


More than my hands can count, more than my soul can bear. And still, the choice had to and has been made.


Malgré moi.

Impossible choices. And no ability not to choose. Not even oblivion is an option.

So, I do what I always do. Nothing. The comfortable choice.

You ain’t right. Is just I’m wrong, about everything.


incompatibilities

We all need to find which incompatibilities we're able to tame. Some we need to live with, some we need to walk away from.

Same goes for the compatibilities. Some we accept and forget, some hurt and are forever engraved.

Living well

Tragedy happens only when you are trying to live well, because for a heedless person who doesn’t have deep commitments to others, Agamemnon’s conflict isn’t a tragedy…


The sound of silence

Joe woke up all of a sudden, looked out of the window, and it was snowing. The light kind, that floats in the air almost suspending time. It was scarce, at the moment, with a few flakes here and there. He  yawned,  stretched, and lifted his torso just enough to actually see outside.

As he suspected, the silent night was due to heavy snow fall. The fields were covered in pure white, reflecting the sun in all of it's splendour. There were no traces of neither animals nor people. Everyone, in both man and animal kingdom, was probably still asleep. It was very early morning, and he didn't know why he woke up. For a split second he thought he knew what he was dreaming, but immediately forgot again. He hated forgetting dreams. He lived through them thoroughly, and all feelings and emotions lingered in the aftermath, sometimes remaining for weeks on his brain. But he could not remember any details, and this hunted him. He was convinced those dreams meant something, that some important messages were being delivered in a clear fashion, and that he had to follow up on them.  And, somehow, his life was about pursuing those unknowns.

Some noise came from the kitchen, alongside the smell of strong coffee. The house was at the edge of a forest filled with tall oaks and troublesome wolves, on the only small hill for miles and miles. It was next to the landing strip where Joe had crash landed just the day before. He stood up, walked past the sturdy door, and continued down the hall. The wooden floor was immaculate, bearing the weight of his steps with no cracking sounds. Joe thought to himself he had to find who build the house. Cracking sounds were unnerving, and he suddenly realised he had heard none since going to bed. Even if the wine had been too much, he would still have been annoyed had there been popping from furniture or ghosts. However, he didn't remember drinking too much. From the moment he stepped into the house, he felt at home, comfortable, and reassured. 

"Good morning, gentleman, how are you feeling today?" said a woman's voice.  
"Very well indeed", answered Joe. "I am terribly sorry, I do not recall your name." 
"No need to be sorry. I do not recall yours. Have a seat. Coffee is ready. Bread will probably not be delivered today, but we had foreseen that, and will put some loafs on the toaster."  
Joe noticed the woman did not make a point about knowing his name, and that neither she seemed interest in telling him hers. But somehow, somewhat, it didn't seem to matter.

He definitely felt at home.


keep moving forward

No matter what.


Fandango

All these dreams. Where irrationality and common sense meet.


Lost

'You must be the mermaid
Who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
That my anger straightway died


But the Queen sings a terrifying B♭ instead.

Mozart's masterstroke is the transformation he brought about by moving from the third degree to the flat sixth rather than to the fifth. ... No matter how often one hears this passage ... one is led by musical logic to expect, after D and F, A. But the Queen sings a terrifying B♭ instead.

Incinerate

You crush, I incinerate. I am destroyed from your mind point of view, and from my mind point of view, you transform into fire that warms and smoke that blinds.

Nonsense




nonsense
ˈnɒns(ə)ns/
noun
  1. 1
    spoken or written words that have no meaning or make no sense.

    "he was talking absolute nonsense"
    synonyms:rubbishbalderdashgibberishclaptrapblarneyguffblatherblether
    • 2
      foolish or unacceptable behaviour.

      "she's a strong woman who stands no nonsense"
      synonyms:mischief, mischievousness, naughtiness, badness


    Say no more.

    Listen no more. The world keeps revolving and evolving.
    Abstract yourself. What if is not an answer.
    Retract into oblivion. Others are due for the joy they pursue.

    Have no say. And must have no thought.

    The world is vast and rewarding for the deserving.
    Sleepless, while others find their peace. How to explain the contradiction and the agitation? There’s none. 60 will become 6. Dawn will merge into dusk.




    No pity, no sorrow

    It's fate, it's destiny, it's a choice.

    I don't have anything to regret.

    No reason to feel.

    No right to pain.

    No grounds for desire.

    No power to fight.

    No case to justify.

    No license to explain.

    No excuse to suffer.

    No incentive to act.

    No exemption to endure.

    No pretext to ache.

    No consent to be.

    No motive to think.

    And it goes on, and on, and on.



    Play your sad guitar

    You dosed my soul with gasoline 
    You flicked a match into my brain

    The firefighters are so nice
    I remember you so cold as ice

    Jai Guru Deva. Om



    Thoughts meander like a 
    Restless wind inside a letter box 
    They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.

    Out of reach

    So far.

    Distance cannot be measured as the shortest path length between two souls. You need to take into account the height of the mountains and the depth of the abysses in between. And even that would only be geographical distance. No matter how good of a climber you may be to get through the ups and downs, at the bottom there are rivers too strong to tame, and on the journey forests so thick they become inexpugnable.

    I could reach for your hand, your body, your shadow. It's at arm's length. But the wall that was never there became a glass window. Then it widened, then it darkened, and got rock solid. It is now a diamond, ἀδάμας, unbreakable.


    Takes a while 
    To regain 
    What is lost inside

    Vivid dreams

    worries and concerns.