Relationships stagnate in silence
And I must infer absence is the most hedious way of silence.
I am afraid pictures may vanish.
Will I forget? Have you forgotten?
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
I come across your picture
you were not just smiling at my camera - you were glowing, your eyes sparking.
Breathtaking is an understatement - I miss you so much, it hurts. It physically aches, my lungs, my heart, my mind, all twisted and blown.
today is only every 4 years. we could enjoy it, and yet, I am shoving it down the drain.
Grey hair
Everybody comments how young I seem, how little to no grey hair I have.
I jokingly say that I made a pact with the Devil.
Inside, I think to myself I remain young in the hope of seeing you again.
But then, I think of you, thinking of me. And suddenly, each time, I realize - I am the Devil.
Under everything
Just another human being
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't, I'm a fool, you see
No one knows this more than me
Should be holding you
Should be walking by your side. Should be comforting you.
Should be loving you.
Rather than looking at our last direct interaction, over and over and over.
I am sorry for reaching out
But just heard music x and it made me think of you.
I miss you and hope all is well.
What I think, every fucking time. And even drunk, I do not bring myself to send a simple hello.
What in the hell is wrong with me?
Details
I am obsessed with remembering details. The contour of your lips, how we were positioned when we first kissed, when did we first held hands, who was in the room when you took off your shoe and got your feet caressing my leg.
Somethings are harder to remember. How the skin was softer the closer I kissed you from knee to hips, becoming almost marble, stiff in the anticipation of pleasure, the exact pathways of our long walks, the perfume you used, always intermixed with your own scent, when I would hug you when you were cooking, and whether it was days of closeness or days of breaching the distance I so stupidly would put in between us.
It is a sad exercise. I should not remember details to fill a gap, I should be exercising new memories, new feelings, new emotions, everything that you had plenty to give me.
Given I am not there, you are probably exercising all these with someone else. And I am jailed in a prison I built for myself.
Sometimes i realize
you have not showed up in my life by chance.
You were the assembly of all dreams, enticements, sorrows, desires, hopes, chimeras, fulfilments I have had in my tiny world, that I could only imagine through books.
I aspired to something I didn't know. And was too afraid of discovering you were true. I could say it was too late (and somehow, it was). If it hadn't been too late, I would probably never have had the dare to face you, talk to you, share with you.
Only Love you from afar. Which I ended up on anyway.
Thousands of times
Only I haven't. I could have, by now. But dug myself deep in a cave, unaware of the Sun, the Moon, the Skies, the Ocean, the Mountains, the Rivers, Streams and Pathways that would lead me to You.
Pouring rain
It was the prelude to a delightful evening.
Except now I sit in the car waiting for no one.
And my mind aches, as does the heart.
The rain drops are incessantly falling, fat, like so many of our tears throughout the years.
You entered the car smiling, dripping wet, but happy to meet, hopeful in enjoying Love that undoubtedly came. You came, I came, we came. I was worried that you would be cold, sad, drenched. I was angry at myself that you would have to beat the rain and odds to meet me in disguise.
But your smile comforted me. You have always comforted me.
The rain stopped. I do not have your smile, but hug myself to remember that, on that one day, we both felt Love. We both made Love. We Loved.
And if we have Loved once, won't we Love forever?
Shitty person
I should be there just to hug you, support you, love you till we manage to eclipse the hate and barbarism of the rashists.
Sometimes wonder how better am I than the ones who press the missile buttons. They destroy, but I do not protect.
I am indeed a shitty human being.
One day
My finger will slip. I will press send, connect, add.
And whether it will be unforgivable, I do not know. Whether it will finally provide a window that soothes my soul, I do not know. Whether it will open a door to sometime, someday, share the same moment and place, I do not know.
I do know it will be outrageous. That it is more likely if will hurt you and cause you to again see me as selfish. On the other hand, what would be new?
A fool has lost today. Everyday, since years.
There will be times
when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years