Everything is gone

Only, I don’t know where, how or why.

Saudade feiticeira

pedaço de silêncios perdidos

The Burdens

Throughout life, you have to choose which burdens you have to carry. Otherwise, you won’t be living, you’ll be avoiding life.

Some are heavy, some are painful. You may live light-hearted, but only if you’re able to forget and let go. I was never able to let go, and carry in me all the burdens I came across since the day I was born.


Se eu fosse uma águia com duas cabeças direcionadas para o passado e para o futuro, a primeira diria que a felicidade é ter boa saúde e má memória; a segunda, que é ter ilusões. Ficamos velhos quando olhamos mais para trás do que para a frente e a memória toma o lugar da ilusão.

Seeking

I should seek no connection. physical, emotional, spiritual. Any connection lingers and is a source of pain, mistrust, anger. Except the Ocean. The open Ocean draws Sand, puts it back, revolves it. You can be connected to the ocean, it does not matter. it will keep coming and going, with no reasoning, aim, purpose. As for me, either I want you or I don't. There're no if's. There's no middle ground. There's no context. I understood that, at last. Overlooking the River and the City, travelling the same paths my feet knows by heart, it all becomes clear. So, I abstain myself from showing I was thinking of you. I take the signs, and don't try to overcome obstacles. It is easier, even though my heart is heavier. Here, under the sunlight, it anyway feels lighter.

the gallop dream

everything seemed like a quiet day. saddle on, an invite for a stroll and we ride side by side along the wood paths and down the calm streams. but one path leads to another, always. rather than following a pre-defined map, we find ourselves out in the open fields. one innocent kick leads to a more meaningful another, keeping with the pace means increasing to a gallop, and we suddenly find ourselves in the limit of control and comfort. it's not enjoyable, but we can't bring the horses to an halt. we dig and jump and avert, but the speed is too much, and still increasing. there's a thrill coming out of it, mixed with fear and anger of how we let ourselves get to this uncontrollable emotional landside. focusing on getting the intensity back under control, we don't even realize we are far apart and lost track of each other. the open field gave way to a dark forest, trees so tall and vegetation so thick that the sun doesn't shine. now, we're lost again. we turn back, hoping to find our way back home. home is where our heart is. it shouldn't go for rides, short or long, no matter how pleasant they seem at the beginning or how calm the map plan was defined. we can never ensure when the gallop might unveil.

sin(x)*sqrt(x)

that’s life.

Oxalá

Wien. Waltzes, good mood, the world forgetting, by the world forgot.

A sleeping cubicle, a song suspending time, and moving it forward.

Time travel is made of moments remembered in our dreams.

Oxalá. Oxalá.

Bruised

Por vezes forte, coragem de leão

Às vezes fraco, assim é o coração

Nunca me deixes

problem with making a palace out of our hearts is that too many rooms are eventually empty.

there's no less joy, and meaningful living, decorated with the finest art, splendid walls, and filled with the wonder of people who share building it.

we are full of open spaces to explore, and still, can't have a room for two.

At the airport

The building was massive. Capacity was 3 times the annual number of passengers, very few shops were available, flights were even scarcer. Joe sat by the window, remembering the times of the small restaurant with a view over the landing strip. From that seat, located right next to gates that only seldomly were used, no one could bother. The view extended through the planes and makeshift logistics buildings, into the horizon where the sun was setting.

He looked at the phone and went through his travelling ritual, sending sms’s to everyone he cared about. He could never know which time would be the last, and as much as doing it selflessly, what he really looked for was getting a reply. The order of importance in the list was always ascending. Who happenned to be at the top was a matter of circumstance. Or so it became. That was the first time hope subsided. A man doesn’t cry, but no one ever told him about it. He remembered crying two times, and succumbing to emotion without tears in an handful other moments.

This would be the third, and last.

the door

i didn't know if it was open or not. a beam of smooth light came through the sides, and I imagined you already in a night gown, laying on the sofa, enjoying the last rays of sun, my vision blind from the excessive light.

I rang. You said come on in, but did not come to open the door. I hesitated. My voice trembled. My body shook. It was not a matter of right or wrong, or not knowing what was on the other side. In fact, it didn't matter what was on the other side: your voice was all I needed to feel warm. It was not a matter of matter, but energy. Would I have the energy to open the door? Would the drop in energy from leaving the door open make the house cold? Would I have the energy to leave when time came?

All woulds, not a single if. I knocked again. I pressed the hand against the knob and turned. And stood at the door step. The light was just like I had imagined. Blinding. But there was no night gown. No voice. No presence.

Just an empty room, getting cold from the open door behind me.

Reality check

Be disciplined, in everything you do. Irrational decisions may lead to different outcomes, but inconsistency will throw you into despair.

Recoil. Retreat. Don’t succumb to wishes, dreams, the ethereal. It simply doesn’t exist.


Desculpa se te usei
como refúgio dos meus sentidos
pedaço de silêncios perdidos
que voltei a encontrar em ti...

Κύριε ἐλέησον, Χριστὲ ἐλέησον, Κύριε ἐλέησον.

Momentos

There you were, two tables across. We sat facing each other. You had kiss me two years ago, cheek to cheek, lofty and in control, as you had been since that last farewell in the rocks by the Ocean. At that time we were close, but didn’t hug. I knew, before you told me. I could not know everything, nor would I have cared.

We bid farewell once, we seemed almost strangers when we crossed paths, and then, we sat facing each other. On opposite sides of the room. Our eyes crossed. They said everything. There was nothing to be said, and still, for a fraction of a second, time stopped eternally.

And that is all that mattered. Time will fly by, we’ll grow old, maybe not know anything about each other, other than through meeting in strange dreams. And still, if we meet, when we meet, silence will speak louder than the imposed distance and scarce words. Time changes nothing. 

So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

Everything under the sun is in tune

but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

One can’t write directly about the soul

What is happiness, anyhow? Is this one of its hours, or the like of it? — so impalpable — a mere breath, an evanescent tinge? I am not sure — so let me give myself the benefit of the doubt.

moving on

frantically. erratically.

And I know it aches

Ausência

Num deserto sem água
Numa noite sem lua
Num País sem nome
Ou numa terra nua

Por maior que seja o desespero
Nenhuma ausência é mais funda do que a tua

old body, weak soul

and a turbulent heart.

Nothing to offer or desirable. 

Insane in the membrane

Flashes go by, so suddenly. It shall be sudden, unexpected. I’ll turn my head and on turning back, it will be done. Hunts me, but I need to be strong to face it. My choice, anyhow.

You can have anything you want 
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water 
Anything you want
You can own everything you see 
Sell your soul for complete control 
Is that really what you need
You can lose yourself this night 
See inside there is nothing to hide 
Turn and face the light

Change is overrated

Life is just as magical if we keep walking down the same path. There is always a new landscape around the corner. The weather will provide us different colours along the way. A lake, a forest, a mountain, the sea are always further ahead, down the road.
In fact, we may not even have to walk at all. We can lay on the floor and look at the skies. Everyday, a bird will fly, flowers will bloom, falling stars will light our imagination. Things around us revolve.

All this is just as good as venturing into the unknown. Unknown which may bring all types of daring, excitement and joy.

I'll think about that joy you are finding, while walking, laying, standing up again. Everyday.

Life ain’t black and white

Hunted by desire

You can’t turn back—you can’t come back, sometimes we push too far
One day you’ll open up your eyes and you’ll see where we are

Useless feel. Desire never means anything, it is just a void mechanism to stir havoc. Succumbing to it, is losing your heart and soul. I don’t have any of those left. Only a sacred realm saves me, everyday.

But I’m still hunted for visions of what’s to come, fast and furiously. Maybe tomorrow, maybe yesterday, maybe some other day. You, giving yourself to a deserving one or simply a walker by. Doesn’t matter if in pieces or as a whole. That’s how I’m hunted. Everyday. 

Heart, Body, Soul.

Having your Body and Heart would corrupt your Soul. And no one can have your Soul: your spirit is free, wild, incorruptible. 

Your Heart belongs to someone else: I bring nothing but pain and misery. My Body is old and weak. It does not deserve yours, joyful, fresh, warm, delicate, overpowering.

We are not meant to be, even if my thoughts lie, everyday, every hour, every eye blink through to eternity.

Joe read the letter, and wondered. Not that he cared anymore in light of the recent events. But the thoughts betrayed him: everyday, every hour, every eye blink.

Do you have soul? 
That all depends.

How much did 21 grams weigh?

It's over
You don't need to tell me
I hope you're with someone who makes you
Feel safe in your sleeping tonight

Tired, exhausted, done.

Não sou nada.
Nunca serei nada. 
Não posso querer ser nada. 
À parte isso, tenho em mim todos os sonhos do mundo.

Next to the blues

Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you
I'm not the one you need
What do you want from me

Intermezzo

Todo o tempo é de poesia

Desde a arrumação ao caos
à confusão da harmonia

it ain't easy

Lowering expectations.

We’ll both forget the breeze, most of the time. It ain’t easy when everything is clouded, but watching you smile with others tells me what you don’t know of yet.

And I, I will stand forgotten. Fast, and furiously. Should I regret it? I can’t. I shan’t.