I am an idiot

A big, hefty idiot.

Either you are missing me as well, and I remain stupidly locked in my own chains, or you are long gone and I am stupidly playing dumbass, looking at the void, and writing non sense.

Either way this unfettered lack of self control is only hurting. Who, besides me, it is what separates being a lunatic out in the open causing havoc all around, from a madman spiraling towards an implosion that hurts the only culprit.

I should be disciplined, I should have integrity. 

And yet, here I am, sleepless, awake in the middle of the night, writing non sense, being a useless idiot.

I need to see you

I need to know. I need to apologize. I need to understand. I need to feel. I need to realize.

I need you.

Even if I know you do not need me.

Les Platanes

A sliver of normality, peace, happiness.

A monument to my idiocy.

A memory of joyful moments.

A reminder of all I could achieve to make you feel Loved.

Mãos frias

Coração quente.

Amor ardente.

I wonder

Whether any good memories are left when (if?) you think of me.

What would they be? How did you see each moment from your perspective, how did you feel?  When uttering words, closing your eyes, embracing me? Where you warm? Where you anxious? Butteflies in your belly? Desire? Passion? Everything and nothing? Not talking about the why - we both know, it was love. But the what.

What did you feel? That pain you once mentioned, followed by the ectasy.

"Are you (ready to give me plea)sure?"

Yearning for a long gone moment

Whilst today, I face emptiness rather than your eyes begging for an answer.

"Are you sure?"

A million times yes. Only regret not making it last.

It is

It is so much simpler to bury reality than it is to dispose of dreams.

Patterns

Could give away information. Or mean nothing. Or I am just making them up, and letting my imagination flow.

The reality is one: all that you touch, all that you see, all that you taste, all that you breathe, all that you do, is who you will ever be^[1].  

[1] Does not matter who you Love.

Even in the day after

 It could be simple. 

"Hope you had a wonderful day"

"Happy belated anniversary"

"I rejoice that you were surrounded by Love and Joy."

"I was, am, and remain an idiot, but happy birthday anyhow".

Many options. But in the end, I am, indeed, an idiot.

It's a wonderful day

it is a day to celebrate

 

Still life

And yet, intense.

Breathtaking.

Unstoppable.

We were virtually making Love.

Stop

Said you, never.

Sing to me

Albeit, you sang to me over and over, and I am just a creep.

My memories

Grow blurrier. But I remember the antecipation these days. How, where, when to convey a message. I would be thinking about it to exhaustion, more often than not freezing in my quest for a perfect delivery, pegged and constrained by my own chains, never able to come up with something deligthful, worthy, accurate.

I have done it once, delayed. And I have been there, another, so much gifting you, as gifting myself, a prelude to the wonder and awe of relinquishing fear and doubts. 

And here I am, again trying to think of something, knowing it's unworthy, uncanny, useless.

Yet again, I'll be thinking, dreaming and not doing. This time, rationally - like quantum mechanics, I risk making you unhappy.

 

Ignoring

Is an option.

Probably, at this stage it's passive - any concern is gone.

And better than what I have done: faking and imposing ignorance on my true feelings.

verb

1. refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally.

   "he ignored her outraged question"

   Similar:

   disregard

   take no notice of

   pay no attention to

   pay no heed to

   pass over

   shut one's eyes to

   be oblivious to

   turn a blind eye to

   turn a deaf ear to

   brush aside

   shrug off

   push aside

   never mind

   look the other way

   snub

   slight

   spurn

   shun

   disdain

   look right through

   look past

   turn one's back on

   give someone the cold shoulder

   cold-shoulder

   freeze out

   steer clear of

   send to Coventry

   give someone the brush-off

   cut

   cut dead

   knock back

   give someone the go-by

   blank

   set aside

   take no account of

   veto

   break

   contravene

   fail to comply with

   fail to observe

   disobey

   breach

   defy

   flout

   fly in the face of

   omit

   leave out

   bypass

   overlook

   neglect

   exclude

   skip

   Opposite:

   pay attention to

   acknowledge

   obey

   • fail to consider (something significant).

     "the rules ignore one important principle of cricket"

But in the end, it has been a failure. I failed others, you, myself.  

And I realize, you are not ignoring, just protecting yourself from all the harm I cause. 

So, it is not an option.