How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell / How I wish I would save my soul./ I'm so cold from fear.
I am comforted in that I might have chosen poorly for myself, but somewhat I profundly believe no matter how much you thought I was a good person, in the end, I am not.
You are better off without me. If anything, I was a lousy person, wasting your time, effort and energy.
I am a lousy human being.
Silence. Void.
A few memorablia, a few pictures, but your laugh, your voice, your murmuring are nowhere.
And it is unbearable, this absence I have imposed. Someone else is rejoicing in your arms, you mirroring satisfaction.
Much better served than with this foresaken soul of mine.
Take yourself easy, you're always believing
But when will you know?
(We were never meant to be apart)
I could have stayed with you. You begged, often - Stay with me. I didn't. But now, I'm the one suffering, looking hopelessly at an horizon that may never come. I am not an harbour, i am a rocky place where ships crash. While I was out in the Ocean, I crashed, I sank, engulfed in a calm sea.
You brought with you the immensity of plains, filled with endless horizons and hopes.
We were shielded by mountains, comfortable in each other arms. My fingers would follow the curves in your body, dragging sweat as if they were rivers.
But what we strived for were plains. Our Love out in the open, revealed to each other with no hindrance, no subterfuge. What enticed was the plain in sight visibility of our eyes. The openness of our skin, just like August fields, full of gold and light.
Maybe it's diminishing to think of it in such terms. After all, we loved mountains, plains and small rolling hills. Anything would do, provided we were together. Everything would work, our bodies just fit together like the sky on the horizon, a thin line always re-adapting to our movement, our needs, our wishes.
Still, while I love mountains I would be just as happy in plains, with your horses, watching you ride in the dawn. Coming home tired, but happy. Dirty, but fulfilled. Excited, but focused. Scruffy, but lovely.
Whenever I look through the windows and see plains, I think of you. But then again, I think of you all the time. Dawn or dusk, night or day, city or fields, close or far, silent or present.
In fact, even in the most daunting silence, you seem even more present.
Sometimes, all the time.
Largo a espera,
E sigo o sul,
Perco a quimera
Meu anjo azul.
Fica, forte, sê amada,
For long, I imagined we would again cross paths, somehow magically you would reach out, or that I would have the courage to do so.
Today it feels that day will never come.
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way you found her?
After all these years, you spoke to me, clearly.
I know I was stalking, even if I pretended to be shocked that you would say such a thing, but the fact is, you spoke. I actually *heard* you.
Some may say it was a dream, but I know it was more than that. I ended up waking up, which I tried so hard not to.
I heard you. And suddenly, the day is brighter.
(Not only spoke - you looked at me, and I could see through you).
(Yet again, trying, not doing. Did I ever really try with you?)
(And then, online I saw you. What are the odds? Do you ever dream of me?)
Se eu pudesse trincar a terra toda
E sentir-lhe um paladar,
E se a terra fosse uma coisa para trincar
Seria mais feliz um momento...
Mas eu nem sempre quero ser feliz.
É preciso ser de vez em quando infeliz
Para se poder ser natural...
Nem tudo é dias de sol,
E a chuva, quando falta muito, pede-se.
Por isso tomo a infelicidade com a felicidade
Naturalmente, como quem não estranha
Que haja montanhas e planícies
E que haja rochedos e erva...
O que é preciso é ser-se natural e calmo
Na felicidade ou na infelicidade,
Sentir como quem olha,
Pensar como quem anda,
E quando se vai morrer, lembrar-se de que o dia morre,
E que o poente é belo e é bela a noite que fica...
Assim é e assim seja...
